by Ian Sutherland, Duke of Rotham
Inheriting a dukedom from a licentious father tends to send one down a reckless path of gambling and womanizing. I confess to such wickedness and to earning my moniker, “the Devil Duke.” Perhaps there was a price to pay for my youthful indiscretions. When an angel named Tess Blanchard drifted into view during one of those interminable coming out balls in London four years ago, while I stood idly by, fantasizing about bedding her, my smarter cousin swept her off her feet. Ironically, the poor lad met his fate at Waterloo before he and Miss Blanchard could exchange their vows.
As a result, Providence has afforded me a second chance to earn the devotion of Miss Blanchard. Alas, the task is not easy. The ghost of her beloved lingers yet in her heart.
I provide herewith my thoughts on the matter. Tips, if you will, that might help other gentlemen who find themselves engaged in the art of pursuit:
- If one encounters a woman whose proximity sends a heady sensation straight to one’s . . . head, one should endeavor to pursue her promptly, or someone else—a spoiled younger cousin, perhaps—could obliterate one’s chances of success with the lady in question.
- Being an heir to a dukedom will get one nowhere with certain ladies and everywhere with others. Unfortunately, it is the “certain ladies” who are not so impressed by a dukedom that will linger in one’s mind and pose the greatest challenge.
- If one lusts after a lady for years, it is not wise to tempt fate by offering to mentor her in the art of (simple) kissing. Indeed, there is no such thing as a simple kiss with a beauty such as Tess Blanchard. Kiss #1 will likely be vertical; kiss #2, approximately forty-five degrees, and #3, a full-fledged one-hundred-eighty. (And we all know where one-hundred-eighties will land one—at the altar!) And yet, there are worse fates . . .
- Regarding the marriage vows, “love and honor” are universally accepted (although love is sometimes a difficult commodity to achieve with both parties). However, “obey” can pose some rather difficult issues between a man and his bride. That is, there is sometimes confusion as to who must obey whom. If such difficulty arises, I advise one to discontinue discussion immediately and proceed directly to the marriage bed.
- Marriage can be quite the sport. If at first your bride does not willingly join you in the nuptial bed, challenge her at every turn and rouse her fighting spirit. Such strategy is known to set a woman’s blood to racing. Fair warning: A lady with racing blood may be prone to throwing things. Learn to duck. It’s part of the sport.
- Having legal claim to a woman does not necessarily mean one can possess her. In fact, making such a statement in one’s bride’s presence could result in dire circumstances. (See Point Number 5 above in reference to the art of ducking.)
- If one thusly puts one’s foot in one’s mouth, one usually either, a) maintains that one’s bride should consider it an honor to be possessed (which does not often produce the desired response) or, b) considers the art of gift-giving. Note: Jewelry is known to be productive in helping remove one’s foot from one’s mouth.
- All the gold in the world might not warm a lady’s heart, but a ghost in a castle can work wonders. Do not ask. Some advice defies explanation.
- Among all virtues, honor and integrity prevail—and, my friends, where there is honor and integrity, there is usually a satisfying romp in the bedroom.